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This is something I recently wrote out of frustration and loneliness particularly within my own religion, Islam, in struggling with unwanted homosexual desires. It contains what may seem like harsh language. The harsh language is not objectively a judgment or necessarily factual belief I hold. Because they are not factual or actual believes I actually hold, I have chosen to suppress this emotional outburst for too long. Unfortunately, I have discovered that doing so only makes it works and destroys me from the inside out. My guess is that it has a similar effect on others who struggle with the same issue.Therefore, I have chosen to share it, in its emotional and core expression as it came out naturally, rather than modify it to be a rational, logical and intellectual reading. If it causes offense, that was not the intention; the intention is authentic expression of what lies within one's heart, both good and evil, with the desire to reach a more fulfilled place, not to hold on to evil, with the sincere cry for help in a silent struggle. At this stage, I believe truthful expression of emotions rather than diplomatic communication is more likely to yield real and actual relationships rather than artificial ones. I believe honest communication while acknowledging one's own imperfections rather than force one's self to be civilized when on the inside he is crying for help but afraid to be judged for being himself is a sign of greater respect for any recepients of strong emotions, rather than disrespect as some might interpret it as if they were to look at such outbursts with indignance, ego and defensiveness. With all that being said, if this breaks any forum rules, that is also not the desired intention, and please delete it in that case. Thank you.
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Where is Islam, as far as unwanted homosexual desires are concerned? Also known as Same-Sex Attractions (SSA). Nowhere. Yes; nowhere. Maybe in hidden places. Perhaps if one reads into things, or discovers eventually on his own that Allah doesn't hate him after all for his feelings, as opposed to the indications he received as a teenager or young adult that keeps him terrified within his own body and entraps the unhealthy desires within as well.
To those who claim Islam is all encompassing..Beep! Wrong! Try again. Islam has not offered a solution for SSA. Islam has not addressed this issue, other than to say that those who give into such desires should be burned, and are abominations. Oh, sure, one might be told, it's a test! It's the devil playing tricks on your mind! You will be rewarded if you are patient.
Too general! Too impersonal! And a complete lack of understanding, I must say. Yes, reading Quran, praying, fasting and exercise are helpful and important. Are they enough? Believe it or not, they're not. SSA is a complex issue with countless psychological, environmental, and some very indirect genetic components (the latter being more around genetic predisposition to sensitivity rather than towards any sexual deviation per se).
And when one is praying in complete blindness to these factors; complete blindness to understanding his own self, his own feelings (sexual feelings, no less; quite intense, if you ask the average man today), then it is a prayer with a sense of loss of identity; and incredible loneliness.
And I must add to this: One may suggest that one accept that this is a test from Allah, and therefore must suppress it without understanding it, as well as to pray it away. Foolish, naive, impersonal advice once more. SSA has plenty of explanations. There has been extensive research in this area, as well as forms of treatment available to thousands today, by the mercy of Allah. So for a Muslim to suggest nothing more than to pray it away is unfair, unhealthy, and downright rude and disrespectful.
One must emphasize that all forms of treatment stress the importance of a healthy relationship with God and religion to overcome these troubling feelings. To do so, Jewish and Christian organizations have been formed to create a safe haven for Jews and Christians to face this struggle with fellows of their faiths, as well as to increase awareness of the nature of these feelings and what lies behind them. Many religious leaders of their faiths have gained understanding of this struggle and offer spiritual advice and comfort from a place of understanding.
As for Muslims? What do they do? The sorry, desparate Muslims who are desperate for help find one another through the internet and create their own support system. A support system overwhelme with loneliness, desparation and lack of order. Random people giving random advice based on personal experience that may sometimes cause more harm than good in a very sensitive topic. Muslims fear that anyone should discover their hidden feelings (although there is no shame in feelings one hasn't chosen for himself, and one has a responsibility to interact with his feelings to the best he can), so they interact anonymously to further deepen the sense of division and distance from reality. They claim that it would be dangerous to meet in person with fellow Muslims out of fear of sexually acting out, which indicates yet further lack of confidence, lack of self respect, and lack of understanding of the nature of these feelings, which require frequent encounters with other members of the same sex, especially those who they could be emotionally open to, to help overcome these feelings. Perhaps these hysterically paranoid measures are appropriate for an immature population that lacks order and understanding. But a population that is immature and lacks order and understanding is exactly what these measures indicate.
Once again: As a Muslim, I believe Allah is all loving. I have absolutely no doubt that even within Islam, the appropriate comfort and support that any Muslim needs can be found if done with patience, understanding, trust, safety, guidance, and I must emphasize once more, readings and understandings of Islamic teachings "in general", without being swayed by the unsafe environment most Muslims provide today, further implanted by absolute lack of understanding and respect for those who have this struggle. But is there any direct explanation for this struggle in Islam that addresses the underlying, psychological holes to help a Muslim understand himself and his place in life spiritually and psychologically in relation to these feelings, other than to see them as the "devil whispering in the ear of a Muslim to guide him to sin"?
Absolutely not. And this is why, in this issue, perhaps more than others, which involved Jihad Al-nafs, one of the greatest forms of Jihad, that one absolutely needs guidance and support in this struggle.
The default, absolute and unquestionable answer to this is Allah. Not Muslims, not imams, not mothers or fathers, not the prophet or the Quran. Most of these sources today lack any appropriate understanding of this issue. Only Allah can guide a person to the Truth. And the truth is that if a Muslim wants a scientific, mature and progressive understanding and healing, then as tools of Allah he must rely on Jews and Christians who have progressed much more than Muslims in this area. And if a Muslim wants spiritual guidance and support (a critical component of any struggle), he will likely do so in isolation, away from other Muslims, feeling detached and misunderstood by his own religion. Is this what Allah asks of Muslims and Islam? I would think not.
But Muslims, up until today, have failed. They have failed to address the issue of SSA in Muslims. They have failed to provide a safe grounding of wisdom and understanding in this area. They have failed to accept and embrace all challenges a Muslim may struggle with as an opportunity to grow closer to God, preferring to ridicule and condemn those with SSA instead.
Certainly not all, I must admit. I am certain plenty of Muslims with this struggle have successfully achieved the appropriate support within Islam with other Muslims. But I would safely guess that the majority of those have not done so to the extent that leaves them feeling comfortable and sinless as they would have been if Muslims today had the awareness and love that Islam expects. I would safely assume that the majority of Muslims with this struggle suffer in isolation. I safely hold the Muslim community responsible for the epidemic of underground homosexual relationships throughout the Muslim world, which occurs at rates much larger than most Muslims are aware of (or care to know). No doubt the Muslim engaging in such behaviors are to be held responsible for their actions as well. And yet, apart from their distance from Allah, perhaps as a result of lack of support of those around them, there is an additional factor of reaching a sense of hopelessness and despair whilst living among people who pride themselves as belonging to the most knowledgable, all encompassing and perfect religion in the world. I believe I can safely say that Jews and Christians are more outspoken about this struggle and create safe environments for their worshippers to work on this issue with support with their fellow Jews or Christians, compared to Muslims.
I will not go into the details of SSA feelings, reasons, explanation or understanding. I believe any Muslim who wants to know these things needs but to ask. More broadly, any Muslim in general with a sincere desire to help fellow Muslims would reach out to others to help and encourage other Muslims in struggles of all kind; an action of love that if done often enough would surely solve more problems, including the unraveling of this underground struggle, to help it mature in religious understanding to reach a sensible spiritual attitude towards dealing with SSA, rather than the largely unhealthy attitude of most Muslims today towards this issue. I will mention, however, that one generally predominant factor involved is distance of the person who struggles with SSA from his or her father, or with men in general (or with femininity for females) during life. In other words, people with SSA from a young age have a sense of distanc, lack of guidance, deficiency of love and relationships, and a sensation of difference from other men for males or women for females. These feelings exist to some degree on some level whether the sufferer is aware of them or if he denies them because he has suppressed the painful truth.
This distance from other people creates lack of maturity and therefore a sense of being alive and participating in life in many areas (which the person on a subconscious level tries to repair or compensate for sexually, unhealthy as that is). This immaturity further complicates the ability of a Muslim with SSA, already living in a sense of alienation from other men, to achieve a strong sense of identity and strength to journey towards finding some resolution in a matter that is severely and dangerously stigmatized and repressed in the Muslim world today, along with countless other deficiencies Muslims refuse to acknowledge or address.
I must say that by the grace of Allah, even within Islam, there is a path for Muslims. Allah doesn't ask of a human being more than he coudl bear. Perhaps part of the struggle with homosexual feelings for Muslims is exactly the fact that it has been avoided, ignored and neglected in Islamic literature, as a test to see which Muslim would trust their own religion in spite of a seeming deficit. I don't know, and I may never know.
I must also say that these writings are the outpouring of a heart, not just a result of the mind. Literal interpretation of this post, as well as anything else in the world, without at the very least acknowledging the heart and indications behind why such things could possibly come out of the mouth of a Muslim is exactly the intolerant factor some Muslims hold that suppresses others for reason of fear of saying the "wrong" thing, or fear that honest expression of one's self could lead one to stray from his religion and God, when the exact opposite is the truth. I myself see this as an outpouring of a suffering heart that chooses not to take the emotions involved in isolation, nor to reach outrageous conclusions and final judgments in a negative light, but rather a process of outbursting of troubling emotions and attitudes most Muslims with this struggle suffer with today, holding them down lest something "bad" happens; maybe they'll realize they're not alone, and that freeing one's self from any attitude or emotion that bubbles up by accepting it and expelling it rather than hating it, denying it or repressing it, is the healthy path towards ultimate Truth. It is an opportunity to express the feelings many Muslims with SSA carry and are ashamed of, but out of fear of these feelings and their own sexuality, they repress their emotions and as a result their souls are eaten from the inside out instead. It's also written out of curiosity to see what Muslim might be willing to look beyond defensiveness, self righteousness and literal interpretation, or desire to find fault in another, and alternatively see pain and struggle behind words that create internal disarray and suggest a need for guidance and love that most Muslims with SSA (and many without) are afraid to ask for, and don't expect to receive.
Thank you
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